A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit around. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day, the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said (very nicely), "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again, she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairment out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" She said, "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well," he said, "what kind of cakes did you bake them?" She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
This guy was pissing in a bar when he looks beside him at the guy pissing beside him. He swears that its a Leprecaun. So he goes up to the guy and asks him, are you a Leprecaun. The man says yes I am a Leprecaun and I can grant you Three wishes, if you do one thing for me says the Leprecaun. You see since I am a Leprecaun I have sort of trouble with the opposite sex because of my enormous dick. So if you could help me by sucking my dick until I cum then I will grant you your three wishes. The guy was a little scepticle about sucking the Leprecauns dick but he thought noone would know and he was going to get three wishes, he could just wish that he had never sucked the Leprecauns dick. So he decided after a while that he would. So he started to suck the Leprecauns dick, and he was sucking a way, and finally the Leprecaun came. He zipped up his pants and started to walk away. The got up off his knees and said "Hey what about my three wishes" The Leprecaun asked "How old are you man" the man replied "26". "Aren't you little old to be believing in Leprecauns" says the Leprecaun and walks out the door.
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go homeand think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story ... The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Suzy replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket" next is little Lucy ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies "don't count your eggs before they're hatched" Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory" ... "he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story ... Billy replies, "Don't Fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left." "None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny arrives home from school a little early one day to find his mother naked on her bed, with her eyes closed, rubbing oil all over her body, chanting, I need a man...... I need a man....... The next day Little Johnny arrives home early again to witness the same scene.....his mother naked, glistening with oil and chanting, I need a man........ I need a man........ The following day, little Johnny arrives hom e early to find his mother in bed with a man. Seeing this, he quickly rushes off to his bedroom and slams the door closed. His mother jumps out of bed and follows him............. When she o pens his bedroom door, she finds little Johnny naked on his bed covered in oil, chanting.....I need a Bike.... I need a Bike..............
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'" "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us"
This guy goes into the doctors office and says, "Hey doc.... my penis is turning orange! You gotta help me!" "Sure," says the doc, "drop your pants and let's have a look." The man drops his pants, and the doctor starts examining him. "Has anything like this ever hapened before?" asks the doc. "Nope" replies the man. "Any case like this ever in your family history?" asks the doc. "Nope" replies the man. "Are you on any medication?" asks the doc. "Nope" says the man. "Well, what's your daily routine? What do you do all day?" "Well," says the man, "I usually just sit around the house eating Cheetos' and watching the porno channel."
A man walks into a bar, talks with some guys for a little while and then walks to the bartender. He says, "I bet you $300 that I can pee in that cup over there (now that cup was a good 10 feet away), and not spill a single drop. The bartender says, "Boy, you have a deal." So the man starts peeing everywhere except the cup. He pees on the floor, the bar, and even the bartender. Then the bartender says, "Guess you owe me $300." The man laughs and says sure and pays him the money. The bartender says, "Why are you so happy?" The man answers, "I just bet those guys $500 each that I could pee all over your bar and you would not only not be mad, you'd be happy."
A middle aged buisnessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she *really* works me over." "So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomanic," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep." "I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor. "You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.
Three journalists are searching the jungles for the fabled Moobanga tribe. Unfortunately, the tribe finds them first. The journalits soon find themselves tied to stakes in the middle of the village, with the entire population of the tribe present and acting quite rowdy. The tribal chief walks up to them, raises his hand to signal silence from the crowd, and says to the first journalist, "You have choice, Death or MooMoo?" All of the tribesmen begin to chant softly, "MooMoo, MooMoo, MooMoo..." The journalist ponders his choices for a second before saying, "Well, MooMoo of course!" The tribesmen erupt in applause, untie the journalist, and commence to each drilling him one time where the sun doesn't shine. Afterwards they tie him back up to the stake, where he stands bleeding and almost lifeless. The chieftain walks up to the second journalist and says, "You have choice, Death or MooMoo?" The chanting is louder this time, "MooMoo MooMoo MooMoo!" The second journalist looks at his buddy, and says, "Damn, I guess its MooMoo." The tribesmen erupt once again! They untie the second journalist and drill him each two times! When done, they tie his unconcious body to the stake and stare hungrily at the third journalist. The chieftain says to number three, "Death or MooMoo?" The chanting..."MooMoo! MooMoo! MooMoo!" Number three looks at his buddies, clinging to life, and says, "The hell with that, I choose Death!" The tribesmen's roar is deafening! As they untie number three, he hears the chieftain say, "You choose Death? Death by MooMoo!"
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely: "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. " "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
At a church one day, the nuns are lining up to go into confession. The first one goes up to the priest and says: "Bless me father, for I have seen a man's penis" The priest agrees that this is a sin, but tells her to splash her eyes with the holy water, and all will be forgiven. The next nun comes up and says: "I have sinned as well father... I've touched a man's penis" The priest says that this too can be forgiven, and that she should wash her hands with the holy water. The priest then looks over at the next two nuns in line, and sees them fighting to see who will go next. He gets up and asks them why they are fighting. The fourth nun replies. "Well, there's no way that I'm drinking that holy water after she sat in it"
Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons. Mrs Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world." Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemme tell you about my son Johnathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine. What a man!" Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35 000 a year, and he's not famous. But his dick is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it." The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to makes. Sheldon's an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's a bright young man with a good future." Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confession too. Johnathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't." They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz. "Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg."
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and
there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the
snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the
snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it
takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good
news, bad news, and real bad news.
"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is."
Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife. The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell... Ms Smith: "Good morning." Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....." Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you." Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins." Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do." Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it." Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?" Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spreadout." Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me." Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'" Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that." Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London." Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!" Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
One week later, and horney again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!". The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken"