THE GHOST SHIT- The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but
there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT- The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT- You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT- This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT- Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT- No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT- The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT- The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT- The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT- Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT- That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT- A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER- This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER- This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL- This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT- A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT- This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT- This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER- A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER- Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER- A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT- This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT- Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL- A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER- A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT- This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT- This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT- An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT- Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA- Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT- Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT- The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT- This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT- The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT- Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT- The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT- When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
1. Sneaky Shit- The kind that gets all over your hand when you go the wipe
2. Head of It Self Shit- The kind of shit that stinks two minutes before you shit it
3. Heavy Shit- The kind when you get off the toliet and you fell like you lost ten pounds
4. Bravo Shit- The kind of shit you're so proud of, you have to take a bow
5. Rainbow Shit- The kind that has so many different colors that somone would think you eat nothing but skittles.
6. Camouflage Shit-(most commonly found in cows) The kind that looks just like muddy grass until you step in it.
7. Not Really Shit-The kind that you shit when somone sliped you some laxative and you just ate some pizza and you can still make out the mushrooms and pepperoni
8. Countless Shit- The kind that is in so many pea sized pieces that you couldn't possibly count them
9. Energizer Shit- When you've already been on the toilet for half and hour and it keeps going and going and going
10. Flu Shit- When your not sure if you want to shit in the toilet and throw up on the floor or throw up in the toilet and shit on the floor.
11. Suicide Shit- The kind of shit the goes down the hole before you flush
12. Forgetfull Shit- When you get through shiting and you forgot to check for toilet paper and you have to use whatever you can find, like: The cardboard center of the toilet paper, the old washrag with a hole in it, or the pages ripped out of the three year old Time magazine.
13. Hair Shit- Peices of shit so thin, you don't feel them as they come flying out of your ass.
14. Jalapeno Shit- The kind of shit that burns so much, it makes you want to kill a mexican.
There was this contruction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need") and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was tryin to tell you that I was coming!!!!!
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
DEC 8 5:00 - It's started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I
took our HOT buttered RUM and sat by the window watching the soft flakes
drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was
DEC 9 We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and waived. I wavied back. I shoveled it again.
DEC 12 The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well. I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely winter is thru.
DEC 14 It snowed 8 inches last night - and the temperature dropped to about 0. Shoveled the sidewalk and driveway again. Shortly, the snowplow came by and did his trick again.
DEC 15 Sold our car and bought a 4X4 Blazer, so we could get around in the snow. Bought snow tires for the pickup.
DEC 18 Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00 to the Chiropractor, but nothing was broke, Thank God. The damn sky is getting dark again.
DEC 19 Still cold (-5 this AM). Icy roads making for very tough driving. Slid into a guardrail with my wife's car. Probably about $100.00 damage or so. She's all pissed-off.
DEC 20 Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. That GODDAM snowplow came by twice.
DEC 22 We are assured of a white christmas, because another 7 inches of that white shit fell today, and with this freezing weather it won't melt till August! Got all dressed up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, Jump Suit, Jacket, Scarf, Ear Muffs, Gloves, ETC.) ... Then I got the urge to PEE!
DEC 24 If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snow plow. I'll drag him thru the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then comes down the street 100 miles an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.
DEC 25 Merry Christmas... They predict 12 more inches of the Fucking white shit tonight. Does anyone know how many GODDAMN shovel fulls of snow 12 inches is? To HELL with Santa! He doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The snowplower came by asking for a donation. I hit him with my Ice Axe. Doctors think he'll live....
DEC 28 We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind or have a severe case of depression, because the wife is beginning to look good to me.
DEC 29 The toilet froze, and the roof is starting to cave-in. If you go outside Don't eat the brown snow.
DEC 30 I torched the GODDAMN house, and moving to ARIZONA!
Once upon a time, a man decided to vacation on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful--the experience of his life! He was waited upon hand and foot. But, alas, it did not last. A hurricane came up suddenly and the ship went down. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen . . . or at least, within the past four months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention), and she rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you." "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw materal that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, and I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, but...," stuttered the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware." "But, enough of that," she said, "where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No thanks," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied. "I have a still; how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, with two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." The man settled in to wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me something," she said, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?" "Yes there is," the man replied, moving closer to the woman while fixing her with a long, intense gaze. "Tell me... Do you happen to have an internet connection?"
So, a guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright--but after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink. The pig starts to look more and more attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dingy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
Two young ladies are watching a movie in the balcony when one whispers to the other, "The man sitting next to me is masturbating." "Let's move to another part of the theater." says her friend. "I can't," replied the first, "He's using my hand!"
A hunter was in the woods and saw a bear, he aimed his shotgun and fired. BLAM! When the smoke cleared, the bear was gone. "Damn it" he said. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. When he turned around there was the bear looking quite disturbed. The bear said, "look, I can either maul you, rip your guts out, or you can drop your pants and bend over." The hunter thought of the options and decided to drop his drawers rather than die. Later the hunter went out and bought himself a high-powered rifle with a Browning scope. He went out looking for the bear. When he saw the bear he raised his rifle, aimed and shot. BLAM! When the smoke cleared, the bear was gone. "Damn it" he said, "Damn it". The hunter felt a tap on his shoulder again. When he turned around, there was the bear again. The bear said "You know the drill". So the hunter turned around and dropped his drawers again. This time he bought an expensive military rifle, with a heat sensored scope. He went out after the bear again. He found the bear, aimed and shot. BLAM! The blast was so big that it knocked him off his feet. He got up and looked around and the bear was gone. "GOD DAMN IT" he said. Meanwhile the bear was leaning against a tree picking his finger nails and said, "YOU'RE NOT REALLY OUT HERE FOR THE HUNTING, ARE YOU?"
A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language." "Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way." "Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service. "I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account." "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"
Eddie visits his church to confess. He sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have used foul language, and took the Lord's name in vain." The priest says, "It's OK son. Tell me what happened." Eddie says, "Well father, I was golfing with my buddy. We're very competitive. It was the 18th hole and we were tied. His tee shot went straight down the fairway and my tee shot went into the rough." The priest says, "Oh I see, you were angry with your shot and cursed." "No father, I didn't curse at that time. My buddy's next shot reached the green, my next shot went into the sand." The father chuckles and says, "Well, one can see why you were angry then. Is this when you took the Lord's name in vain?" "Not then father. My shot from the sand landed 2 inches from the cup. So close!" The priest says, "Oh my. I see why you were so angry. So that's when you started cursing?" "No, father, not then." There was a moment of silence, then the priest says, "You mean you missed that motherfucker?"
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the Weight Guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. "I really latched onto a square one tonight", thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed...) "Unh unh."
Jack visits a new whore-house. A very luxureous and comfortable one which of course has an elevator. On the first floor there's a sign which says: "Blond babes". On the second floor the sign reads: "Hot brunettes". On the third floor the sign says: "Exotical girls and special requests". Curiously he visits the fourth floor. There he finds a sign saying: "What exactly do you want? Do you want to score or do you just want to play with the elevator?".
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says, "Hmmm that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."