A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A farmer bought a new rooster, who promptly screwed every hen in sight, a couple of geese a passing homing pigeon and the farmers pet parrot. The old rooster commented "Boy you're going to kill yourself if you go on like this". Sure enough, a couple of days later, the young rooster is lying flat on his back in the farm yard with legs in the air and the buzzards circling above - death was upon him. "I told him so," said the old rooster, wandering over, "I told him so." Whereupon the young rooster opened one eye and winked saying "Shut up and go away, I'm after one of those buzzards."
A female elephant is walking through the jungle. She steps on a thorn and can't go on. Then a mouse comes by. The elephant says "Mouse you've got to help me. Please take this thorn out of my foot." Mouse looks up and says, "Okay, I'll help you... but you know I've always wanted to screw an elephant. If I get the thorn out, you've got to let me fuck you when I'm through." With no other option the elephant agrees and comes the thorn and then the mouse start shumping away. Meanwhile up in the trees a monkey sees what's going on and starts to laugh. He laughs so hard that the tree begins to shake and knocks a coconut down hitting the elephant on the head. "OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW" screams the elephant. "That's right," says the mouse,"take it all you bitch!"
A man came home from work early one day in the mood to make love. As he walks in the door with that 'look' in his eyes his wife goes, ' uh-huh I can't, I have to go to the doctor for my annual pap smear'. He stops to think about it for a second then he says, 'You don't have to go to the dentist too, do you?'
3 soldiers were captured during the war and were taken to the POW camp where they were interrogated and unjustly found guilty of being spies. The punishment was death. They were marched out into the middle of the camp and paraded before the other POW's, in the middle there was this great big greased pole, the commandant said that if they could get to the top of the pole and ring the bell that their lives would be saved.... but if they failed, they would be put to death by means of what their father did for a living. The first POW started to climb his way up inch by inch, foot by foot but it was to much for him and he slid back down. The commandant came up and asked him what his father did for a living in which he replied an electrician; he was slowly electrocuted by the guards in front of all the POW's. The second prisoner then had his turn by taking an almighty run and leap and tried to grasp on but slid down to the bottom to the groans of the other prisoners; his father was a plumber so he was slowly drowned to death in a pit. The third POW started digging his nails and teeth into the pole and slowly started to inch his way up but he started slipping, with sheer determination he stopped sliding and started to rise again only to start slipping again, after about 15 minutes of slipping and rising, slipping and rising he slowly got to the top and reached out to ring the bell when all of a sudden, he began pissing him self laughing and slid down to the bottom. The crowd was in absolute silence and heartbroken when the commandant came up to the still laughing POW and asked why he started to laugh and not ring the bell to spare himself an agonising death. He spluttered out....... "my father is a lolly pop maker"
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty". The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
A couple had been married for thirty years. On their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. The husband was lying on the bed when the wife came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had done thirty years ago. Standing seductively before him, she asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking thirty years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry!" "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it."
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero. The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you *@$&*s$% to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$&*s!" The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!" The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands. "No, SIR!" the recruit shouts. "Why not?" barks the Captain. "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!" The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?" "No, SIR!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!" Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?" "No, SIR!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly. They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know." Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was banging two maybe tree different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!" A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, "Put this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and that is gonna be painful as hell to get out." So, off Cinderella went to the ball, in a great mood, ready to dance the night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and Cinderella does not return home. Her fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m. and no sign of Cinderella. Finally she comes home at 4 a.m. The fairy-godmother was distraught! "What on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon? I've been worried sick about you!" "Oh, don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named Peter-Peter."
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a confession? Man: I never have, I am Jewish. Father: Then why are telling me all this? Man: I am telling everybody ...
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, and answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition! He inquires about it with the owner, "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape!" "Well", says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it form the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it," and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline. So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's estatic over the bike! That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and he figures the bike will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything at all during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So, he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course, no one says a word. "Her mom's got a good bod...", he thinks. So, he grabs his girlfriend's mother and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain. He decides he needs to take care of his new motorcycle, so he pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right! I'll do the f@$#ing dishes!!!!!!"
A man goes to seehis doctor, who is a plastic surgeon and says: "Doctor, I've got thish sherioush shpeech problem and it'sh driving me crazy!" So the doctor examines this poor guy and says, "I know exactly what your problem is...your penis is too long, sir. See, it somehow connects with your tongue and presses down your throat causing your speech problem." The guy then says, "I don't care! Cut if off then!" And so the doctor does, of course. Two weeks later, that same guy comes back to his doctor and says, "Doctor, my speech is fine now, but my sex life sucks...it's pathetic! You have to sew it back on!" And the doctor answers, "Are you sherioush? It'sh absholutely out of the queshtion!!!!!"
There's an old man sitting on his porch when a little boy walks by."What'd you got there, little boy?", asks the old man? "I got me some CHICKEN WIRE," replied the little boy. "What're you gonna do with that?" asked the old man. "Well, I'm gonna catch me some CHICKENS, of course," replied the little boy. "Little boy," said the old man, "you can't catch CHICKENS with CHICKEN WIRE!" "Oh yeah?" said the little boy. "Watch me!" That evening, the little boy walked home with 3 chickens slung over his shoulder. The next day, the old man spotted the little boy again. "What do you got today, little boy?", he inquires. "I got me some DUCT TAPE." Replied the little boy. "Now what," asked the old man, "are you going to do with DUCT TAPE?" "What d'ya think?" said the little boy, "I'm gonna catch me some DUCKS!" The old man found this ridiculous. "You can't catch DUCKS with DUCT TAPE," he told him. "Oh yeah?" said the little boy. "Watch me!" That evening the little boy returned with 5 ducks over his shoulder, and the old man was amazed. The next day, the old man sees the little boy again. "What have you got now? he asks. "PUSSY-WILLOWS", says the little boy. Hang on," says the old man, "Lemme get my hat."
A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter. Grandma asks grand daughter, "What are you lining up for." Granddaughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, i just take off my dentures and suck them dry.
A man went to Hell. He was distraught when he saw the long line to it's entrance. The usher saw this and asked him why. The man replies, "Because I'm going to hell." The usher answers, "Oh, it's not as bad as you think. We try to enjoy ourselves as often as we can. Do you smoke?" The man says, "Yes, I do." The usher replies, "Then you'll love Mondays. We get these cigars from Cuba every Monday and we just smoke our lungs out. The great thing about it is that we don't have to worry about cancer. We're already dead. Now, do you like to drink?" The man answers, "Yes, I do." The usher says, "Then you'll love Tuesdays. We get a supply of drinks from all over the world: Vodka, saki, gin, whiskey, bourbon...you name it, we've got it! And the great thing about it is that we can as drunk as a skunk and not worry about it because we're already dead. Now, do you use drugs?" The man answers, "Yes, I do!" The usher replies, "Then you will really like Wednesdays. We get the best dope and just get stoned to the gills. Oh, you'll love it here. Ahh.....don't take this personally, but are you by any chance gay?" The man says adamantly, "No, no I'm not!" The usher says, "Oops, then I guess you're gonna hate Thursdays!!!"
A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said "My wagon's bigger than your wagon!" The little girl said "No it's not!" The boy said "Is too! Let's measure!" They measured and the girl said "Oh gosh, it is." They played some more and the boy said "My daddy can beat up your daddy!" The girl said "He can not!" The boy said "Can too! Watch!" The two fathers fight and the little boy's father wins. The girl says "Oh gosh, he can." They play some more and the little boy smiles and says "I've got something you don't have!" The little girl says "Do not!" The boy says "Do too! Look!" He pulls his pants down and shows her. The little girl starts crying and runs into her> house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on her face. The little boy says "What are you so happy about?" The girl pulls up her dress and says "My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
Joe and Wendy had been dating for years, but Joe was always sleeping around. When they finally decided to get engaged Wendy had an idea to keep Joe faithful. She made him get her name tatooed on his schlong. When he wasn't "standing at attention" though all you could see is the letters 'w' and 'y'. Joe and Wendy finally get married and are honeymooning in Jamaica when Joe goes to the bathroom in the resteraunt where they are dining. Standing next to him is his Jamaican waiter and he notices that he also has 'w' and 'y' tatooed on his dick. Joe asks him, "Is your girlfriend named Wendy, too?" "No mon, " replies the waiter", it says 'welcome to Jamaica have a nice day'."
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit around. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day, the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said (very nicely), "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again, she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairment out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" She said, "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well," he said, "what kind of cakes did you bake them?" She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
This guy was pissing in a bar when he looks beside him at the guy pissing beside him. He swears that its a Leprecaun. So he goes up to the guy and asks him, are you a Leprecaun. The man says yes I am a Leprecaun and I can grant you Three wishes, if you do one thing for me says the Leprecaun. You see since I am a Leprecaun I have sort of trouble with the opposite sex because of my enormous dick. So if you could help me by sucking my dick until I cum then I will grant you your three wishes. The guy was a little scepticle about sucking the Leprecauns dick but he thought noone would know and he was going to get three wishes, he could just wish that he had never sucked the Leprecauns dick. So he decided after a while that he would. So he started to suck the Leprecauns dick, and he was sucking a way, and finally the Leprecaun came. He zipped up his pants and started to walk away. The got up off his knees and said "Hey what about my three wishes" The Leprecaun asked "How old are you man" the man replied "26". "Aren't you little old to be believing in Leprecauns" says the Leprecaun and walks out the door.
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go homeand think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story ... The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Suzy replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket" next is little Lucy ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies "don't count your eggs before they're hatched" Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory" ... "he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story ... Billy replies, "Don't Fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left." "None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny arrives home from school a little early one day to find his mother naked on her bed, with her eyes closed, rubbing oil all over her body, chanting, I need a man...... I need a man....... The next day Little Johnny arrives home early again to witness the same scene.....his mother naked, glistening with oil and chanting, I need a man........ I need a man........ The following day, little Johnny arrives hom e early to find his mother in bed with a man. Seeing this, he quickly rushes off to his bedroom and slams the door closed. His mother jumps out of bed and follows him............. When she o pens his bedroom door, she finds little Johnny naked on his bed covered in oil, chanting.....I need a Bike.... I need a Bike..............