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The Guy Who Didnít Listen

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied. The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room but she cautioned hem against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR". Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, the allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try to the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button, marked "WW", and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom. He thought, " Golly, the gals really got it made....." Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world. The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder. Well naturally he could not resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the last button marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

The Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

The Hamburber

A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter spits in his hands and rubbs them against each other, grabs a chunck of ground beef from a dirty bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on the grill. The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend and says "god damn that is gross". The friend says "that's nothing, you should see how he makes the donuts".

The Hazards of Alcohol

Three guys are sitting in the pub with hangovers from the night before... The first guy says "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning with my pyjamas on over my clothes !" The second guy says "That's nothing, I was so drunk I had sex with a woman who I don't even know and my wife walked in and I didn't even care!" The third guy says, "You think that's bad, I was blowing chunks all night !" "That's not so bad," said the other two. "No no, you don't understand " said the third guy, "'Chunks' is the name of my dog!"

The Horney Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!!"

The Horse

A guy walks into a bar and offers $100 to anybody that will make his horse laugh. One guy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh! The following week, the guy is back in the bar and offers $200 to anybody that will make his horse cry. The guy who won the $100 last week, takes the horse off to the bathroom. The horse returns from the bathroom crying his eyes out! Amazed the horse owner asked the guy how he did it? The guy says: "The first week, I told the horse I have a bigger dick than him and today I showed it to him!"

The Jungle

This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir", came the reply, "This is his morning ritual." "Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. "Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

"The Fuck List"

The infamous list of uses for the word FUCK....:

Greeting......................How the fuck are you?
Fraud.........................I got fucked by the car dealer!
Dismay........................Oh, fuck it!
Trouble.......................Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression....................Fuck you!
Passive.......................Fuck me.
Confusion.....................What the fuck........?!
Difficulty....................I don't understand this fucking business.
Dispair.......................Fucked again.
Incompetence..................He fucks up everything.
Displeasure...................What the fuck is going on here?
Pleasure......................Well, fuck you! I like it!
Lost..........................Where the fuck are we??
Disbelief.....................Unfuckingbelievable!
Beyond Belief.................I don't fucking believe it!
Retaliation...................Up your fucking ass!!
Serious.......................It's time to stop fucking around.

It can be used to tell time: It's five fucking thirty!
It can be used in an anatomical description: He's a fucking asshole!
It can be used in business: How the fuck did I wind up with this job?
It can be maternal: MOTHERFUCKER!!
It can be used when looking for things: Where's that fucking pen?
The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word.
How can anyone be offended when you say "Fuck"? Use it frequently in your speech

The Little Old Lady

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a ,lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

The Little Pianist

Joe walks into a bar. With him is a little guy a foot tall. Joe walks up to the bar and the little guy walks over to the piano and starts playing it and singing. The bartender, amazed at the sight of this little guy playing the piano and singing moves over to Joe and talks to him. "Hey", he says, "that little guys really good. Where did you find him?" Joe replies. "I got him from my Genie." "You've got a Genie?" The bartender asks. "Do you mind if I borrow him for a little while? I could really use some money" "No problem." Joe says. "Wish away!" POOF! The Genie appears. "Wow", gasps the bartender. "I wish for a thousand bucks!" With a bright flash and a crash of thunder there appears in the bar a thousand ducks. "Wait a minute", cries the bartender, "I asked for a thousand bucks not a thousand ducks!" "Well", says Joe, "do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist"

The Mute

Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The muts does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'".

The New Lover

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away, because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks,"How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

The Nun in New York

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat? The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?" The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you tellin me you never think about doin' it? The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand." The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it. The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?" The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children." The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why dont youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me." The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?" The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids. And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well my name's Steven and I'm on my way to a costume party."

The Outhouse

Pa was going to teach Billy how to pee standing up so he takes Billy to the outhouse and says.."Now Billy, its very simple. One, you take out your thing, two you pull back your foreskin, three you pee, four you push back your foreskin, five you put your thing away. Now you try it boy, I'm going to milk the cows." After about an hour, Ma comes running up to Pa and says "Oh Pa, somethings wrong with Billy!" "What's the matter?" Pa asks. "Well", Ma says, "he's locked himself in the outhouse and he's been there over half an hour!" "Ah Ma", says Pa, "he's probably doing his business." "I don't think so," says Ma, "he keeps saying 'Two, Four, Two, Four, Two...'"

The Parrot

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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