There were three survivors of a plane crash in the deep african jungle. The three guys were walking along trying to find civilization when they came across some fierce looking tribesmen. Needless to say the tribesmen caught them and took them back to their village unconcious. When they woke up all the village people were looking at them. The chief then came up and said " we are going to skin you alive and make canoes out of your skin. Is there anything you would like before we do this?". So the first guy says " I would like a knife". So one of the tribe members gives him a knife. He then slits his throat and dies. They then look at the second guy. The second guy says " I would like a knife too". So they give him a knife and he also kills himself. They then look at the third guy. The third guy says " I want a fork ". All the tribesmembers look confused but they manage to find a fork and give it to him. The man then starts laughing and pinching himself with the fork saying "You're not going to make a canoe out of me you bastards!!"
Two older ladies were swimming in the pool at a Miami hotel. One of the ladies was about to get out of the pool and the first lady asked if she would bring her a cigarette when she came back. "That's no problem, dear." And pulling a condom from her halter, untied the knot and revealed several cigarettes and some matches. "That's clever. What do you call it?" "Why, it's a condom, dear. You can get them at the drug store." Later that day, the lady went into the drug store and asked the druggest for some condoms. The drugest looked at the packages of various quantities and asked the lady what size she wanted. "Oh, big enough for a king sized Camel!"
It was George the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing hooks. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausages, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking our from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar. Breakfast was my idea."
Freds dad was so old that he finally had to put him in a resthome. So the first night freds dad was there he got a raging hardon and the nurse that was there saw it and decided to do the old guy a favor and suck em off, so she did. The next day fred came by and asked his dad how his first night at the rest home went. His dad said he loved it there and never wanted to leave. The next day Freds dad had fallen over the bathtub. As he was lying there an orderly had just happened to be passing by and saw him bent over the tub, and so he quikly came up behind the old man and crammed a woody up the old guys corn hole. The next day fred came back to see his dad and again asked him how he liked his second night at the new home. His dad replied that he hated it there and that he wanted to leave. His son was suprised and said, "But dad, I thought you said you loved it here." In which his dad replied, "You dont understand, I only get a hardon about once a month, but I fall down almost everyday!! "
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Well nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing." Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it! The host walked over to the man and said, "alright you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "first, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, 2, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in."
This farmer has a bunch of hens that are not producing many eggs. So one morning he goes out and buys a young horny rooster in an effort to get hishens back into an egg laying mood. He names him Jimmy. That first day Jimmy lays every hen on the farm and at the end of the day the farmer finds Jimmy trying to make it with his horse. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "You've gotta slow down or you're going to kill yourself!" The next day Jimmy lays every hen again, and at the end of the day the farmer finds the rooster now trying to make it with his cow. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "I told you, you better slow down or you're going to kill yourself." The following morning Jimmy lays every hen again, but this time, he lays all the other farm animals as well. The farmer finds all his animals passed out from exhaustion. In the middle of all his animals is Jimmy, laying with his legs sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling over head. The farmer walks up to Jimmy and says, "See, I told you if you didn't slow down, you'd kill yourself." Jimmy opens one eye, looks at the farmer and says, "Shhh... buzzards."
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard somone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voloptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend
offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker
and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started
making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small
slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change
medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it
a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his
wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again
made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs,
Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant.
It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
There where once these three nuns who had died and went to heaven and they met St Peter at the gate and Peter said to the nuns "to get in here you have to answer one simple question". Anyway they all agreed and Peter said to the first nun "Where was Jesus born." Then the nun said "Bethlehem" and Peter said "Right, you're in". Then he said to the second nun "What was Marys husbands name" then the nun said "Joseph" and then Peter said "Correct, you're in." Then Peter said to the third nun "Because you're the head nun your question will be a bit more difficult" and he said to the nun "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam when they first met" and the nun went silent for a while then said "mmm thats a hard one." Then Peter said "Right you're in."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
There once was a five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the trains getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo." The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the bibles away! Our prayers have been answered!!!!!"
This stuck up woman said to me, "I don't go to bed with any bloke unless he's got a twelve inch cock!" Quick as a flash I replied' "I don't cut off two inches for anybody!"
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
One day, this lady goes to the gynecologist for a routine examination. She proceeds to take off her shirt for the exam, only to reveal this big letter 'O' branded into her skin on her chest. The doctor stares in disbelief and asks... "Pardon me madame, but where in the world did you get that 'O' on your chest?" The lady replies... "Oh that...well my boyfriend has this nasty old Ohio State sweatshirt that he likes to wear, everytime we make love. The other day we were fooling around and the sex was so hot, the 'O' just melted off and branded my chest." The doctor shook his head in awe and continued the examination. A week later, another patient of his showed up for her annual examination. When she took off her shirt, the doctor sees this big letter 'K' branded into her skin. Again, the doctor was amazed and asked: "My goodness, where did you get that 'K'?" The lady responded: "Well you see doctor, my husband is a big Kentucky basketball fan who insists on wearing his favorite 'good luck' UK T-shirt when we have sex. Last night we were making love and boy...did we get into it. It was incredibly hot and the 'K' just melted right off> his shirt and branded my skin." The doctor was thoroughly amazed and continued to examine her. Another week went by and a new patient shows up for her exmination. She takes off her shirt and to the doctor's surprise, he sees this huge letter 'M' branded on her chest. Well , the doctor, remembering the last two patients exhibiting similar conditions, asks this patient: "Let me take a guess. Your fiance went to Michigan State and he wore a Michigan State shirt the last time you two had sex and it was so HOT, the 'M' just burned right off and branded your chest." The woman gave the doctor a puzzled look and said: "Why NO doctor...but my girlfriend went to the University of Wisconsin."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. " Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"
After the company holiday party, a vice-president woke up with a gigantic hangover. He turned over and groaned to his wife, "What in the hell happened last night?" "As usual, you made an ass out of yourself in front of the chairman of the board." "Piss on him," the man answered. "You did," she said, "And he fired you." "Screw him!" the man retorted. "I did. You go back to work on Monday."
A woman is in a serious car accident and ends up in a coma. Oneday while giving her a sponge bath,the nurse notices that, when she washed near the woman's private parts, her vital signs increased. Surprised, the nurse called the woman's husband and explained that, perhaps if the husband came down to the hospital and engaged in oral sex with his wife,she might come out of the coma. The man rushes right down to the hospital and locks himself inthe woman's hospital room. About 20 minutes later he comes running out of the room, all flustered. "Nurse! My wife's vital signs have stopped!". The doctors and nurses rush into the room and revive her.Afterwards, the nurse is wondering with the husband what went wrong."I don't know", said the husband, "I think she was choking".
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like
nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll
see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
and told them this (the biggest circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison.....
A teacher asks his class, "Which human organ is capable of expanding to six times its normal size?" He calls on Jessica, the pastor's daughter. "That's disgusting," she hisses prissily. "I won't even answer that question." So the teacher calls on Johnny. "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the eye. The iris can increase to six times its size depending on the amount of light entering the eye through the pupil." "Very good," responds the teacher. "That is correct." He then turns to Jessica. "Two things," he tells her. "First, you have a dirty mind. And second, you're in for a big disappointment."
There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 10 k's every day. One morning he was looking in the mirror and admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis- which he promptly decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane remarking to the other old lady: "There is no justice in this world." The other old lady said "What do you mean.?" The first old lady said."Look at that- when I was 20, I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it, when I was 40 I asked for it, when I was 50 I payed for it, when I was 60 I prayed for it, when I was 70 I forgot about it, and now I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild-- and I'm too old to squat!!!!